Why Are Our Kinks Our Kinks?
I think kinks are often used to deal with our own issues, in a way I completely support.
Mistress Mystique Hoops
2/14/20224 min read


I’ve recently started to think more and more on why I’m a Domme, and what calls me to it. I think kinks are often used to deal with our own issues, in a way I completely support. And I wanted to unravel all the root issues of mine. I am in no way saying you have to be screwed up or have trauma to be into kink or have fetishes. I’m just going on my personal experience. And everyone has issues because existing in the world is hard.
I want to feel your desire, but I don’t want to be pushed into pleasing it. I want to do so entirely on my own terms. I don’t want to feel forced into people pleasing someone, and in the “vanilla” world, women sexually and just day to day are pushed into people pleasing and are conditioned to the point where you don’t even know you’re doing it, or you feel too uncomfortable not to. So quite early on in life I became very dominant because it felt good to push back against the need to please. People with ADHD, like myself, often have a lot of trauma that makes them more likely to be people pleasers because we want to avoid conflict. In my regular life I can still be quite a people pleaser, but Domming helps me better myself at that.
In people pleasing you often don’t know what you want, and don’t learn to because you just go with whatever causes the least conflict. In Domming you must know what you want. I need to know what I want out of you, no matter the style of Domming, for me to be able to give decisive, clear commands. I want to set you up with commands that relay exactly what I want out of you, so that you can succeed (unless I want you to fail for fun).
In service subs or slaves where subs would be doing very specific tasks like making my drinks or handing me things, I need to know how I want subs to handle themselves for them to be able to meet my expectations. Do I want them kneeling whenever they hand me something? Do I have a side they must always be on? The more detailed I know how I want my sub to behave, the more clearly I can shape them into that. In life, I often wouldn’t have these preferences because of the nature of people pleasing, or even if I did I don’t speak up because it doesn’t seem worth it. So Domming helps me overcome some people pleasing tendencies, by making me actively have to know my preferences, and have to express them. Not just for myself, but for the success of my sub as well (and just as many subs know, it’s sometimes easier to do things for others rather than for yourself).
Another thing that plays into my need to Domme is I have always had a consensual non-consent fetish. And always of men raping or degrading women. I thought I was a switch for a long time because of this (and I like the physical sensations of bottoming but I hate submitting). I’ve realized more recently I’m definitely the man in these fantasies, and it’s also very specific to degrading language. We do know I love to humiliate and even degrade. I like using the language that’s been used against me. It feels like reclaiming it, but using it on men and sexualizing them (sissy sluts wooo!) the way they usually sexualize women is super hot. I think it comes again from going against the need to people please. In these non-consent fantasies the aggressor does what they want without caring how it affects the victim, or actually get off on the victim not wanting things done to them. I get to regain power in these fantasies by being the aggressor.
I think it can be really helpful figuring out some of our mind’s need for our kinks. Because I realize how my kinks help me I can focus on that more clearly. I can focus on clearly knowing and communicating my desires. I especially focus on using less apologetic language women are prone to, in messages when saying no to requests, and using more assertive language in shutting down anything that’s not within what I want (and even just knowing what I want is a big step).
So I think it’s always worth thinking about why your kinks or fetishes are what they are? It usually is something you need. Be it letting go of control, or the need to be humiliated. Sometimes you need to hear the worst things you think of, in play, so you can know they aren’t true. Sometimes you need the humiliation to make you do things you to want to do. But your kinks are usually there because they fulfill a need. And that’s nothing to be ashamed of. We only want fun shame.
Domming fulfills my need of playing with partners who want to be submissive to me, teaching me how to focus on what I want, and how to let my partner know using clear communication. Plus women are just better and it needs to be appreciated. Why wouldn’t you want to worship me?